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Dumb Pro Football Players

.....and here's why

This is Dark Cloud on Monday, April 27, 1987.

This was, one supposes, International Hypocrisy About Education Week, for the Minister of Education, William Bennett the Maudlin, has allowed his department of underpaid peons to reveal that under the sparkling rule, zeal, and sterling example of Ronald Reagan - a man who uses cue cards to greet his guests - education in these United States is better than it was. What faults there are, says this dynamo of corporate America, reside solely in our overpaid, under-talented, probably communistic and obviously homosexually inclined teachers unions.

Not to be outdone, the guilds of pedagogues revealed dotted lines in Bennett's immediate genealogy and said that, if Reagan had only given in to their modest demands, all children in this country would be spouting four languages in discussions of genetic engineering principles by fourth grade. It is this clear vision and team work that has reduced this nation to the gibbering, half educated, predictable, and boring creatures that we - or at least you - are.

That same day, the newspapers revealed what the National Football League means by an intelligence test. Here are some excerpts:

Luxury is the opposite of
a. poison, b. rapture, c. poverty, d. devotion, e. failure

"A man's car travels 16 miles in thirty minutes. How many miles per hour was it traveling?"

"Two men caught 75 fish. A caught four times as many as B. How many fish did B catch."

A Hyuck, Ah Hyuck, Them football players sure are dumb, ain't they? And they have, for the most part, graduated from college. Pretty scary. Obviously, clear evidence that Corporate America thrives on keeping certain groups - like black or lower class men - ignorant when it comes time to negotiate contracts. Clear evidence of the decay and rot of capitalism in Reagan's America.

Here are some more questions from the test…

Let's see. Find the subject in this sentence……decide what punctuation is needed in this other sentence…and ……OH! Here's one.

"After Stuart (blank) the bread, he placed the loaves on the shelf." Is the missing word bakes, has baked, had baked, or will bake?

Man! Those football players are dumb! No wait. Sorry. These last ones are from the California Achievement test. The ones that teachers have to pass in order to earn money within the Boulder school system. They get three chances to pass it. Not students. Teachers have to pass this test. Ah hyuck.

Clearly, more money is the key. Snort.