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Dark Endeavors

As the New Year Approaches, Mr. Warmth Spreads the Light

Think of this as a proscription list

This is Dark Cloud on Wednesday, December 29, 1993.

Here are some New Year's wishes from Mr. Sunshine himself, a few flecks of lead solid, depression for you to wallow in, something to sink you deeper into the morass of hell that is you life.

1. Imagine Ross Perot standing at a chart talking about something dressed in Bermuda shorts and black socks. Works for me.

2. Lets make it legal to sink a fork into the forehead of anyone who used the term 'gay rights.' All of those who are sick to death of the self-righteous bigots and the tittering group-think of the gay rights yahoos, stifle a yawn.

3. I think, as a public service, Bevis and Butthead should have a portion of the show devoted to audience participation.. For example, one week they could get the loaded gun Dad keeps by the bed and shoot each other. Another week they could make a Drano cocktail and drink it. And thus would the species be improved. For not only would we be rid of stupid children, we'd know who the irresponsible parents are who would allow children to watch inappropriate TV, leave dangerous things around, and not know until the call from the emergency room. Then, those parents could be beaten and fed to the pigs. And we wouldn't have to have national legislation to compensate for them and thus lose the civil rights of sane adults.

4. Lets exhume JFK, eh? Get lots an lots of color phots and drag it out again. Also Robert Kennedy. And J. Edgar Hoover. The cover story is he died of old age. But recent revelations indicate this couldn't possible be true. A gay transvestite secret police chief in the pay of the mob unloved by his own men? That corpse must be bullet ridden. Wasn't the casket closed? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

5. Lets all gang up on Howard Higman. I mean, hell. We waited years beyond the time something should have been done by his alleged friends, so now that we've seen it in the paper, lets all tell stories and exaggerate them. I love this country.

6. Can anyone recall a thing of significance about the visit from John Paul?

7. Did anyone notice that Eric Clapton Unplugged featured some of the most pedestrian guitar since Trini Lopez. Slowhand is right.

8. How will we explain Michael Jackson in 20 years?

9. Nothing of lasting value was ever accomplished by the totally sane.

10. Light a match for Marshall Tito, and lets try and note good people when they're around in the future.