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South Carolina: America's Colon

The Treason State's Olde Guard Sinks Lower Yet

This is Dark Cloud on Wednesday, January 19, 2000.

While the birthday of Martin Luther King was celebrated with uplifting speeches and the odd municipal march, the people of South Carolina provide our nation with another inspiring issue to demonstrate their commitment to civil rights in particular and civilization in general. South Carolina, the state that boasts the most statistically violent population of Americans since before the Revolution, the state that made a virtue out of institutionalized treason, the state most attached and dependent upon our peculiar institution of human slavery, the state that started our most violent war and which would have been burned and salted in 1865 had it belonged to any other nation but Lincoln's, this fine assemblage of Ur Bigots wishes to officially fly the flag of Violent Rebellion from its government flagpoles just below the federal flag. Oddly enough, those descended from the slaves, or who read history, or who have any sense whatever find the token cloth vaguely disquieting and suggestive of a state that has yet to admit to either the verdict of history or, for that matter, civilization itself. They are too kind. It is worse than that.

South Carolina was the first state to secede after Lincoln was elected and actually began the Civil War at Charleston, unleashing incredible horror upon our nation. While part of the Confederacy, it was the most disruptive participant in the government of Jefferson Davis. It threw hissy fits over any perceived slight and refused to send aid to other states or tend their starving soldiers while its many Miniver Cheevies wrote nauseating verse and bogus histories and designed military uniforms so fey the most virile accessory was the lace hanky. In the history of the Civil War, and despite all the military institutions and talk, of all the southern regiments, you will search in vain for the heroic antics of any from South Carolina, at least in the opinion of anyone from elsewhere.

When Sherman puttered north and scoured out infrastructure of the state, the white inhabitants whined and pouted as if the war were nothing more than a tantrum by a child and which should be viewed that way by the Union Army. Okay, you win, we'll go back to the way it was except no slavery. Sort of. What do you mean, not good enough??

Like the rest of the South, South Carolina spent the next hundred years in cringing, cowardly denial it had been hammered. Brave enough when it was time to lynch underage black males for looking approvingly at women wealthy enough to have time to parade down streets, patriotic enough to fill military academies that produced not lynch pins of our army but lynchers and corrupt politicians in the state government, South Carolina was the curled lip sneer of southern Jim Crow. It never had the nerve to fly the Stars and Bars after the Civil War until 1962 and the crux of the Civil Rights movement when, in true mob ethic, it ran it up again. It deflected critique by saying "Ain't history cute?" to all the tourists while directing them to Pedro's South of the Border and the nearest speed trap. It is an inspiring story, absent the fact that South Carolina often refused to fly the Stars and Bars during its Confederate moments except beneath its own state flag if at all. South Carolina, the punk kid who started the war with its let's you and him fight ethic, and then nagged and whined throughout, and then accused the other southern states of cowardly failure, and then tried to remain a slave state in all but law, this state - now proudly and oh so deservedly Republican from its de facto capital of Myrtle Beach - now wants to rip the Confederate flag away from bearded white punks blaring catchy rock and roll from their tailgate keggers and officially fly it as a symbol of… what? Law? Fidelity? Civilization? And isn't it interesting that the same effeminate pols who get wedgies over the burning of American flags because it's disrespectful to our war dead are totally okay with it flying next to the very symbol of armed rebellion against them? It doesn't get more disrespectful but, then, it's just another South Carolinian hypocrisy.

As ever, my views are my own and bear no resemblance to those of KGNU's staff, Board, volunteers, trained squads of assassins. Tickets to KGNU on Ice are available at the nearest Exxon station. This is DC, see you next week.