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The Great DA Debate

A Working Script

This is Dark Cloud on Wednesday, November 01, 2000.

(This is the Dark Cloud for November 1, 2000. The differences between script and tape are intentional. Or not.)

Dark Cloud: What follows is a satire. For those of you who are University of Colorado graduates, that means this is a joke. It is based on a fictitious event. It didn't happen. This is pretend......

Fade in.....crowd noises......the panel is talking and the panelists' lines are just audible...
Announcer: .....candidates agreed to a series of four debates, of which this is the first. Welcome to the Niwot-Hygiene Intra-Municipal League of Voters Decision 2000! The Debate for District Attorney. Asking the questions from the panel tonight are Barry Hartman, an editor from the Daily Camera and Talk of the Town columnist....
Hartman: Funny thing happened today. Man walks into a psychiatrist's office...
Announcer: ..... Col. Robert Brown of Soldier of Fortune Magazine.............
Brown: Will you shut the hell up, Hartman?
Announcer: ....Deepak Hunja, Master of Beingness at the Table Mesa Ashram and Tofu Emporium
Hunja: Ommmmmm...
Announcer: ........ and Police Lt. Biff Spike, lead officer in charge of unsolved murders in Boulder County within the last 20 years for victims starting with the letters Vi to Xe.
Smitka: ...I loved the Olympics, especially the girl gymnasts....they're like little strippers...........
Announcer: Participating tonight is Associate District Attorney Mary Keenan (Keenan in background "Everything's a Sex Crime I tell you! Everything!!!!), the hitherto unknown David........
Crowd of 3 weak-voiced people: "Dave!!"
Announcer: ....... Sanderson, for the Democrats and the Republicans, respectively....
Unknown voice, in subdued tones (Schwoop) :"I can't get no respect....."
Announcer: (in tone of long suffering....)....and for the Reform Party, Candidate One is Arnold Shwoop, a promising pharmacist from Longmont.
Crowd: mutters "Longmont? What's Longmont?"
Announcer:...and Reform Candidate Two is Thane Smitka....
Smitka: Yeah Shwoop, where's Longmont??? AHAAAhahahahahhah....."
Announcer:.....an accountant, launderer of drug money, and shotgun fancier.
Schwoop: .....but we got the Federal Money, Smitka!
Smitka: Whoop te do. $4.57.....
Hartman: ......(now telling knock-knock jokes) .....who's there! Go on, ask me who's there! Come on.......
Brown: I mean it, Hartman, shut up!
Spike: (whispered into mike) Smitka? Where do I know that name?
Crowd settles down.
Announcer: Asking the first question of Ms. Keenan is Thane Smitka.
Spike: Hmmm.
Smitka: Ms. Keenan, isn't it true that you've never won a case against an attorney with a winning record? That you always settle with a private defense attorney but you go out of your way to roll up wins against the Public Defender's Office? The overworked, under-financed Public Defender's Office? Isn't it true your office couldn't solve a monochromatic Rubic's Cube if it came with an instructional CD??? Ahahahahahahaha....
Keenan: (hurt and prissy) Daddy Alex thinks I do a wonderful job! Furthermore, Mr. Whatever your name is, we have a relentless attitude. Rest assured no crime in Boulder County will go unpunished under my leadership.
Smitka: (Laughing hysterically) Stop it! It kills me when you guys say that!!
Brown: Does that include adulterous judges?
Keenan: Well........
Announcer: Mr. Sanderson? You may give your answer....
Crowd: Dave!
Sanderson: Thank you adoring throng. I'm a guy and she's not. I'll make an arrest in the Ramsey Case within ten minutes of taking office.......
Keenan: You idiot......
Sanderson: Ten? Did I say ten? I meant five. Five minutes till I make the arrest! And, I'm a guy, don't forget......
Crowd: Dave!
Announcer: Mr. Hartman, do you have a question for the candidates?
Hartman: Yes, thank you. Mr. Sanderson, have you ever seen that license plate that says "Baby on Board?"
Sanderson: (long pause.) Yeyahhhhhh (a slowly drawn out 'yeah' with a questioning tone).
Hartman: And you Ms. Keenan?
Keenan: (pause) Well, yes for God's sake, who hasn't seen.....
Hartman: (In tone of finality and victory) No further questions.
Brown: (Stage whisper) Barry, have you ever sky dived when drunk? It's a hoot, here's a coupon.....
Smitka: (Singing) Barry's Simply Loony 'bout Boulder..........
Announcer: Mr. Hunja?
Hunja: Ms. Keenan, do you think it appropriate that you publicly campaigned to be appointed to the Ramsey taskforce.........
Hartman: She's such a sweetie.......
Hunja: .....using Mr. Hartman's column as a vehicle for your candidacy, given the sad, pathetic state of the case in the hands of your office even after your appointment?
Hartman: Huh?
Keenan: That case is proceeding according to plan, and as Daddy Alex says, we plan to make an arrest......eventually.......if certain things.....
Sanderson: Hell, I'll sign the arrest warrant as I take the oath.......
Keenan:.....come to pass. Listen, Sanderson, you right wing bonehead........
Sanderson: Oh, gonna hit me with a harassment suit, you frigid .......
Announcer: Lt. Spike? You may ask the question of Mrrrr.......er.......
Schwoop: (in resigned tone....) Schwoop.
Announcer: Schwoop.
Spike: Mr. Schwoop, given the vicious conundrums and campaign of innuendo against the courageous men in blue..........
Keenan: See! No women, only men! Boy that tells you.......
Spike:........and women in blue that have emerged from the DA's office during the Ramsey investigation, what severe financial penalties will you inflict on yourself and your office for such scurrilous accusations?
Schwoop: Well, none, of course, that would have nothing to do with......
Keenan: Oh, bite me Spike! If you guys had done even a minimal job with the Ramsey's I'd be on Court TV now!!!! It's just so unfair! (Sob.)
Smitka: Ya know, you incompetent marshmallow, it you weren't such a Marcia Clark wannabe.........
Sanderson: Like I say...........
Smitka: Who, by the way, is also most famous for pointlessly expensive failed prosecutions......
Brown: Well. And no bra......
Keenan: (viciously hissing) Daddy Alex doesn't LIKE you, you know!
Smitka: Hey Spike! How's the Sid Wells murder investigation coming?
Announcer: Panelists will restrain..........
Smitka: Anything new? Ahahahahahahaahah.....
Spike: Hmmmmmm.....
Announcer: Col. Brown?
Brown: Ms. Keenan, a two part question. Will you allow children under eight to carry semi-automatic anti aircraft ordinance to school if the ammo is under 20 mm, and are you gay?
Sanderson: Keenan likes guys? I didn't know that.......
Keenan: You pathetic little..........
Announcer: ....and finally a question from the audience......
Questioner: How come that Boulder, absent five eye witnesses or someone without an alibi, can't seem to solve a single murder? How come?
Smitka: Wait a minute! I will not sit in the same ROOM as that individual.
Keenan: You.
Hartman: Huh?
Brown: Hell, we got standards..............
Keenan: YOU!
Schwoop: Who?
Everyone: Hsssssssss.....

DARK Cloud: Priorities in order, Boulder returns to bed. Sleep tight tonight, Boulder. A Boulder District Attorney is awake awaiting reports from the Boulder Police Department. And so next year. And the year after that. And the year after.............