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The Importance of Tiger's Schlong......... to fourth rate white males

This is Dark Cloud on Wednesday, January 06, 2010.

Last week, my back-up computer died, which was a year after my main one passed over. Only of vague interest because I use the computer to do these commentaries. Having anything die between the holidays - be a loved one or something important, like a computer - brings about a certain sense of frustration. Oh, and a sense of loss.

But without the beloved machine that had been with me twelve years, I could not use the phone, because I had all my numbers on the computer; I could not use my patterns of communications. I only read news on computer, and I was forced back to television and cable news to find out what was important.

Apparently, what is important to our hallowed temples of resonant journalism is the Tiger Woods Defense about to be unleashed by the extortionist of David Letterman, along with furrowed brow discussions about Tiger Woods' sex life. Not far beneath is a desire to discuss exactly how well sexually endowed Tiger Woods is, because a number of his horse faced cocktail waitresses have felt the need to mention this particular seductive charm.

Worse, far worse, supposed journalist and former FauxNews anchor Brit Hume allowed as how since he thought Woods was a Buddhist, he should become a Christian so that forgiveness - which Hume had concluded Woods needs, apparently from us or at least Brit Hume - might be his. Hume's boss, Roger Ailes (who is Jewish) has not voiced his opinion as the correct healing process for Mr. Woods, but when he does I expect the chances are higher it will include chicken soup before the Eucharist.

Conservatives in this country, especially - now, again - Southern, really want a discussion of how Tiger Woods, who is not overly Caucasian, represents the primal rapist animal image that fanned the fevered brows of plantation owners during slavery. Once that discussion begins, they will try to apply it to President Obama. Don't doubt it. (They're all alike, you know......) <

Tiger Woods' sole victim is his wife, and maybe his children, although that actually isn't known. Whatever happens, they will be among the world's wealthiest people and it's to be doubted his wife will end up a cat lady in the streets of Stockholm. Nobody knows, and nobody should know what conditions were part of this marriage. <

But when noted hypocrites like churches and clerics, and moral fanatics start breaking out syllogisms or mere metaphors with clear intent on negative racial stereotyping, you'd like to think a learned population wouldn't want those who live by the Second Amendment to stoop to this nonsense. For underlying all this is the bigots' fury that a black man should be unfaithful to his heartstoppingly beautiful white wife with other beautiful white women, none of whom would give the time of day to the sort of thin lipped tight thighed white men who are, simply, envious of Tiger Woods, who is living the dream of every fourteen year old male who ever lived.

It may be true that the happiness on this mortal coil of Tiger Woods has lived and died by the sword - which for those recent grads of CU is a play on words - but it's his life and not mine, damn it, and it's just the way it goes.