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How Do Birds Do 'It?'

a lifetime of unanswered questions?

I've always been auspicious of the fact that, since I've become an adult, my birthday seems to fall upon Memorial Day a lot. I take pride in the parades in my honor, and the day of rest, and the beginning of summer, but this year the weight of years drowns my normal, easy going ebullience. So little time left, so much to learn. Memorial Day seems an end stake.

For example, how exactly do birds do it? And with what? I've talked about the birds and the bees for nearly forty years and I have seen birds mate not at all. I know how cats mate (under the house, late at night, for about four hours), and I know how dogs mate (outside any window through which you are directing the gaze of a grandparent), and I know how people mate (in the apartment above you and outside any window through which you are directing the gaze of a grandparent), but I cannot visualize two birds in lust. This enquiring mind wants to know. Someone tell me. Time's getting late.

Why do so many homosexuals affect a lisp? I've laughed at the jokes, I've kidded my friends who are gay about it, and I've thought upon it some. I have not a clue.

Why do so many balding men wear hats? Everybody knows they are bald, and all wearing a hat does is advertise their insecurity, usually baseless.

Why is Jane Pauly employed at all?

What does Trudeau see in that pompous airhead?

Is it possible that if Mr. Campaneris, formerly with the L.A. Dodgers, took an .I.Q. test, he would be reclassified as quartz?

Is it possible that someone that stupid has to have an enlarged spinal cord in order to walk? Was he suggesting that Blacks weren't up to his intellectual ability?

Has anyone else noticed that Vanna White's voice would send a funeral up a side street?

Speaking of Campaneris, precisely what do baseball field managers do? Really, now. Just how difficult is that?

Why is the best program of regular network programming, "Our World", placed up against the most popular, NBC's "Cosby?"

How come the Longmont "Daily Times-Call" didn't report' to its own city that Target would not be coming to the Twin Peaks Mall? Why would anyone trust a newspaper that deliberately kowtows to its advertisers in such a self-serving and unethical manner?

Why do women ask things like: "Do you think I have nice knuckles (kneecaps, fingernails, freckles?" And why will another woman have an opinion prepared?

Forty. Well, almost. And I still don't know these things. Everybody else seems to.